“Mariam wished for so much in those final moments. Yet as she closed her eyes, it was not regret any longer but a sensation of abundant peace that washed over her. She thought of her entry into this world, the harami child of a lowly villager, an unintended thing, a pitiable, regrettable accident. A weed. And yet she was leaving the world as a woman who had loved and been loved back. She was leaving it as a friend, a companion, a guardian. A mother. A person of consequence at last. No. It was not so bad, Miriam thought, that she should die this way. Not so bad. This was a legitimate end to a life of illegitimate beginnings.” (pg.370)
He’s wonderful, really. That’s what I tell myself, every day.
Deep down I know, we will have this huge problem in the future.
I keep getting this.Why? You’re telling me I don’t deserve better? Why does I always get the good stuffs but it’s always one-sided?
Money has never been an issue in everything I deal with a relationship, but then now I realized it’s going to be a huge issue, if the current one will be the same like the previous two.
Look, truth be told, I’m no longer young enough to be in a relationship (I stress) someone who’s doing odd jobs. I’d rather be randomly dating whores than actually be with someone, whom I have doubts marrying.
This whole matrimony has been at the back of my head for a while now, because as I mentioned earlier, he’s wonderful, in everything else. But why?
Sampai bila aku nak keep on paying for things? Sampai bila I have to be the strong one, to be one wearing the pants? Until when? What happened to me being the girl? God should have just stick a dick in me instead of giving me a vagina.
I’m not selfish. This will be unfair for him, but i’m not happy. I try to be, because I want to, because I choose to be happy with him, but I KNOW it’s not going to be happening.
I don’t mean to be discouraging, I never intended to.
God, please.
Don’t tell me to follow my heart, because if I do, I’ll do the most foolish thing and everyone will be hurt.
Never mind the rain & the last minute backing out of people for Halloween this year.
Bottom line, I still had a blast.
Decided to join in the fun at Cannery.
The list said that there will be alot of MJs, Brunos & Vampires.
Fortunately for me, there are alot alot alot of HOT construction workers. Haha!
Enjoy the pics!
Love this small girl.
She came with her nanny.
She reminded of me Edna Mode gone wrong. Heh!
Everyone of us.
Was trying to do the Thriller moves larh. *faint*
I love the fact that although we’re all damn last minute, never knew why Iman decided to bring the masks out to wear, people were all hogging to take photos with us and of us. Got into character and all, and decided to just stand straight.
Funny that people actually smiled at us, and I tried to smile back but heck, they don’t even know!
It was fun, nevertheless. 
Hey girlfriend.
You just spoil my weekend mood. Few weeks ago you come and tell me you want to celebrate Halloween before you turn 25.
Fine.
You were all up for it and all and then you decided for Night Safari.
Fine.
And then you decided, oh.. Night Safari is not that scary leh my friend said.
Fine.
So I suggested Sentosa Spooktacular.
Because obviously it’s either these or drunk Halloween nights.
And then she said but it’s too scary for her.
Fine.
Come on, what’s so scary compared to whatever I’m going through or even death itself? It’s HALLOWEEN for God’s sake.
Fine.
So she thought of asking some friends along, which of course, friends = drunk Halloween nights, busy with other stuffs, or just plainly not interested.
Fine.
Nobody could make it.
So I just said, let’s just fucking go. What’s wrong with going just the two of us? Why the fuck do you need a guy or tons of ppl to go with you? Seriously if you faint, we’ll just call 995 anyway.
And now, she’s contemplating.
My idea of Halloween is drunk nights. And I shove the idea aside just because she wanted to do something.
“Abey tak pergi Sentosa, aku nak buat apa?!”
“Duduk rumah larh.. “
Thanks, babe.
I owe you one?
12th Jan 2010 – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
13th Jan 2010 – Cat Power
14th Jan 2010 – Green Day
Which one say you?
Im just going to do this in point form.
My mum has been asking me about my charges of my photography. OK this photography thing, my mum has always been out of the picture. Reason being:
1) I’ve already given her allowance from my day job so pretty much I’d prefer if this photography money that I’ve been getting, I can use it on my own. Not to sound very tak kenang jasa, but the money I’m getting is nowhere near what my day job pays me. And really, it’s just an extra cash for me to save up.
I’m not sure if i should defend myself. I am not a full-time photographer, so I believe I shouldn’t be too hardcore in promoting myself. I have other full-time photographer friends, and in a manner of a good heart, it would only be fair, that they should get assignments more than me.
2) This whole i’m-your-friend-so-give-me-discount. Or mum’s friend. or mum’s exboyfriend’s son.
WAH THIS PART I CANNOT TAHAN.
How do I put this? Mak aku cakap aku sombong JUST BECAUSE I said clearly, I don’t have a no-discount policy. Dear mother, I don’t sell products, and giving discounts sound cheap.. BUT I accommodate to my client’s budget. Harlo mother, I’m really dirt cheap already, and you still want discount?
I will try not to work for family members. I have already explained it before. I’m not gonna waste my breath on that. Lumrah manusia kan?
I can agree larh, aku pergi Bangkok pun aku tawar harga gila babi, just cos I know, they marked up the price and bloody hell they’re selling products. And I’m not even selling my services, I’m just giving you the options of what creativity there is to your wedding in terms of photography, which what you’re paying me is basically a token of my effort?
Wonder why you cant just enter an LV shop (not that im comparing myself to that) and ask the counter, “Can gimme discount?” but you went and go, “Gimme discount larh. (like in a statement)” to photographers like me.
Seriously, ni bukan case sombong, I don’t even know how to express my unhappiness because I was really upset when my own mother called me that just cos I refuse to give discounts to her friends. I don’t even give to mine, let alone yours? I rather not do the job and I’m sure if I am too expensive, you wont take me anyways, right? So what’s the point in debating & bargaining? I’m not hard-up, really. But if I really do hard-up for something, I’ll do it for you, probono.
Aku lagi suka, if my clients engaged me because they love my style and wants me to incorporate that style into their wedding/ event, rather than engaging me just because I’m their friend.
So i’m done ranting.
No-discounts doesn’t mean I can’t accommodate to your budget. If you think that you have this idea of what I can offer but there’s only so much you can pay, I’ll be willing to negotiate.
“Discount arh Nat. Kita kan friend… “
Aku da rindu mereka, macam mana?
So as some of you know, I was being transferred for a month over at some agency. I mean some of them thought, I changed jobs, which I WISHED I DID, seriously. I don’t care if they read my blog because I can’t stand that place anymore. Baah. Like seriously.
My experience there was pretty struggling at first because they keep hating my guts.. Well, not exactly. I was never rejected so much in my life. Haha! But then again, it went through and it was a good smooth journey now. I’ve got like another week left before I get back to the hell hole.
I don’t want to leave. I want to stay there and finish up the thing I’m supposed to do. Mo morale just went down the drain thinking that I need to go back. I’m gg to miss that place. You know what, let’s not think about it. I’m angry at some people for the state that I’m in. Actually one person. Now I know why some guy refused to talk to him till today.
So then now, I tak sampai hati nak bilang someone about how I’m feeling now. To be honest, I thought that phase of life is over and done with. Until one day I just wake up and go, “Shit. It’s coming again.” I, Natasha Salleh, is still AM freaking out being in a relationship or whatever that matters. I feel so bad doing this to Iman, but I’m really trying my best to be oh so commited in something which at the end of the day I cant… I could but I’m trying my best to be able to do it.
I love him to the max, I tell you. I never felt anything like how I felt towards someone before and I know I can end up doing things with him till I grow old. Imagine, I’m someone who loves the cosyness of a huge friends group outings, but he can make me go partying just the two of us and still made me feel like I have the whole world with me.
I’m afraid that one day, I just lose it. Like how I used to do it to someone. The whole commitment phobia gets to me and then I just lose the insanity of love and then it’s gone. And that boy, is the last boy I’d ever thought of doing it too.
He tells me everyday, he loves me. And I really wish deep inside, I can love him back as much without anything holding me back. I need a cure.
Great night. Here are some photos to recapture gossiping about Suria cannot make it people. When I say cannot make it means cannot make it ok? Fair enough. We also kutuk ourselves, because if we can make it we’ll be in Suria already, si boh?
I had fun. Really.
I don’t have that much of a thing called friendship. Sometimes I wonder why. Especially when I was in primary school. My childhood was hysterically “delightful” if you want to put it in an exaggerating manner.
I was born with a birthmark on my face. Big deal. *snorts* Like I said before to anyone, or everyone, I’d rather conceal that eyebags of mine of ONLY 4 years of working in this bloody industry than to ever conceal my birthmark.
I remembered when I was in my checkups during pri sch especially, I keep having all these nurses talking me into getting my birthmark removed. Maybe I should, maybe I really shouldn’t. I didn’t in the end. Because why, this thing made me who I am. Because of this I learn to be confident in whatever I am doing, in my speech, in my everything and I really thank God that I did deserve alot of things in life which I never actually believed I can obtain within a short period of time.
And then comes the time when I was younger, see kids & teens go for fame & beauty. You’re not cute, you’re not my friend, even if you are, you’ll prolly need my help in maths. Things like that. Nobody wants to play with me, cept for sweet Erma (yes, that loud 
ku sms cintaku girl) whom we have been friends for 2 decades now. Bless her that she’s married with 2 kids. My primary school days were typically redundant. They form cliques and then bitch behind my back like I’m some hideous witch who tried to kill their mothers. I still remember this fat girl, whom I’m not gonna name, happen to live in the same neighbourhood at me, always give me this look like she hated me alot. ALOT. So yeah who are my friends? I’m basically a nomad. Eat alone, do everything alone. How sweet aint it?
And then you start to think that ok maybe secondary school was so much better perhaps. People age, people mature. So then maybe not so much. So I started to you know do my own things, try my best to mingle with the girls (but yeah, they all got their own sanitary pads gossips to compare), so I hang out with the boys whether in school or out of school (that’s where trouble comes in). Boys don’t care then so I pretty much wear box shorts & spit vulgars like lorry drivers. I do have close girlfriends, but they are those whom stay with you cos you are in the same class with them, and when you change class, you form a new komplot of bitches and walk around parading together again. And then there’s the NCC girls. Yarh, united, all those things, bla bla.. I don’t feel the love as much as I feel it from Hidayat, Yazid, Azhar.
Poly days? Pretty much too busy with assignments & was having a fucked up relationship with limited friends (one by one dropped out, Lenny, Elfa, Valen, Zali.. I’m the only one graduated from the bunch) because the then-bf hates my guts, therefore I am forbidden to hang out with my friends whatever. But most of the time, its the assignments. Seriously, try being in a design school. I went mad for a couple of times. I think one night I actually saw Hazel talking to thin air.
And then I start working, that’s where I picked up from where I left off. Meet new people, just gracefully charm everyone with humor, dignity & full of life, something I never get to do earlier on because people just shushed away when I come near. And then suddenly, my birthmark doesn’t bother me anymore. Like seriously. So what? If people want to take me for granted for who I am, even without one, they’d still take me for granted? I got a pretty nose which I’m happy about. I NEVER go fat. People might kill me for my height prolly decapitate me if i wear killer heels.
The people I meet now, my friends now are the ones whom I cherish. Lenny, Joyclene, Mel, the boys to name a few. Because they’re matured enough on those times where they accept me for who I am and NEVER of how I looked like. Of course there are some from the good old times like Kiim, Hidayat, Yazid who they NEVER EVER stop believing in me despite how I look like.
Why am I writing this? I went through Facebook and I see alot of oh.. BPGHS Reunion Class 99, or SP School of Engineering Year 02.. you know and I’m like ok yes, those days were so over, people grow up, people forget everything. I wish I am part of those. Sometimes I wish I can bring myself to those reunions but what can I talk about? My photography? Seeing all those green-eyed people seeing me maybe how successful I am and then try to be my friend so they can get a discount? I have minial recollections of memories of something to laugh about like how reunions supposed to be like. “Remember the time where… bla bla.. ” Yarh, err.. it’s between you and whoever? Nothing with me in it.. yes I remembered.
I am not trying to sound uber pathetic nak mampos here but I wish things were better. I wish I can enjoy childhood & my teenage life without worrying to go to school and being mocked at. My friends know now, how much I love them, how much I’m willing to go through all hardships to make them happy, how much sometimes I rather meet them than go dating with Iman. I wish I can do these when I was younger and maybe I get to cherish friendship more than what I am feeling right now.
But fret not, I just feel like I am losing out, that’s all. But I never look back or look down on myself thinking why I deserve these treatment back then. The truth is I never mentioned this thing to anyone because I was never bothered by it, well till today. Just need to let it out, you know.
So yarh, now you know. Now all of you don’t go acting weird around me all right? I am still who I am you’ve met 10 minutes ago, or years ago or never. Nothing will change. Still the rambut senget, bual tak filter, laugh without a sound girl.
